Feedbak on this short story please. And give me good name for it.?They were striding down the street. After several weeks it was the first time that they were alone together; far from those curious eyes always spying them. Nobody was around. Everywhere was silent. The street was meek and dark, wet after the previous hour's shower. The only source of light was the street lights which were adding a light of red hue to everything. The only audible sound was their steps'.
They had been walking for a while anyone of them uttering a single word.
He looked at his watch and finally broke the ice hesitantly: "Did you do well on the exam?"
"Not bad." She sighed without looking back at him. "I think it was good." He said gaily.
-maybe
-How did you answer question number…?
-Would ya please forget about the exam? It makes me sick to think of it.
-Okay. I...uh… just wanted to stop the silence.
-"I know." She sighed again. "You know what they think of us?"
-No
-"No?" she asked ironically.
-Well…I guess something.
-What?
-What what?
-well…uh…I guess they think…uh…that…umm…we are…involved.
She did not say anything. There was silence again until he continued: "If you think this intimacy with me will put you in trouble you can…stop it."
-"No" she replied boldly, "I don' care for what they think or say. They're all jealous."
-"Yep, Unfortunately all of them"
Still there was nobody could be seen or heard around. They were still not looking at each other. They were now walking closer to each other. They were able to here one another's heavy breathing. "What do you think of me?" She asked abruptly." The best I've ever seen." He replied self-confidently.
- But I'm not
- Oh please don' start again. What I think about you is more important than what you think about yourself.
-And can you imagine what they think about us?
-That's not again important.
-Tell me
-Well…they think I should either marry you or stop it.
-That's a good idea.
-You mean shouldn't we talk together anymore?
-It's up to you.
"Just don' even think about it" he exclaimed decisively. She grinned; then sighed again. This time more deeply with her lips closed. He looked at her eagerly while she turned her face toward him and looked back into his eyes. Their eyes shined deeply. She sighed again and this time he sighed too both with their lips closed. Now they were walking very close to each other just like passionate lovers. If they had seen them in that situation they would have made sure their guesses and whispers had turned out to be true. "Will you come tomorrow?" he asked with a pale smile on his face.
-Yeah, I think I will.
-Good. It's getting late. Want me to take a taxi for you?
-No no, thanks.
-So good night. Sleep well and don't bother yourself staying up and thinking. See you tomorrow.
-Good night
A taxi stopped before them. She got in and the taxi drove off into the darkness. He halted for a moment watching her turned her face back, looking at him through the rear window. As she turned again and sat back in the car seat he murmured: "Good night girlie." and began to stride pensively down the street back home.
Kara Abdolmaleky
Winter 2004
-sands104
I'm sorry, dear, but it needs a lot of work. Most writers face a lot of rejections before they find success, so keep on trying. With a lot of editing, some of the above could possibly become a story.
-TJTB
Absolutely wonderful.
I only found two things a little unorthodox:
The word "gaily" and also when he called her "girlie" which is more of an adjective than a noun... otherwise very nicely written.
-Nicky
It was good. I liked it. What happens next? I think you have potential. Yeah............keep writing.
-gardedms
I liked it a lot..
The dialog got a little confusing with the hyphens but I really enjoyed the content.
I personally like that he called her "girlie" it was somewhat of a pet name, which gave him character.
You may want to have a description of the same setting (streets, rain, lighting) at the end of the story, after the shift in the character's mood. Perhaps the characters would have a differing perspective on the same scene after they released some of the tension. (just a thought :) )
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Orignal From: Asthma Info: Feedbak on this short story please. And give me good name for it.?
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