Is this a good story?Okay so my book is told in the perspective of a 16 year old girl named Alli, who lives at a foster home with four other teenagers around her age. Her best friend, Dani, has asthma and her foster father, Eric, is abusive and a cheif od police. This scene is the 3rd chapter. Before this, Eric took away Dani's inhaler and she started having a panic attack. He threw the inhaler and Alli got it then made him angry by calling him a bastard. He said she had a dirty mouth and literally cleaned it out with soap leaving her retching into the kitchen sink. Until someone comes, holds her hair back. Now we end up here....
Once I was finally finished, my breathing slowly returned to normal. The taste lingered and my nose continued to burn, but it was bearable. Then suddenly I remembered I wasn't alone. I glimpsed back to see Jason, expecting him to chuckle at my expense or make some wise-ass remark but instead he actually seemed a little anxious. His eyebrows furrowed and he watched me warily.
"You alright now?" he asked with a hint of what sounded like concern. I quickly nodded.
"I'm surprised you actually care."
A small smile stretched across his face as he crossed his arms.
"I'm not completely heartless."
"Yeah, okay." I shook my head and walked away. Before I reached the stairs, I glanced behind me and noticed Jason stayed where he was. A thoughtful expression was on his face. His eyes just stared blankly ahead. I watched him intently for a few moments, as if I'd be able to see what he was thinking just by looking deep enough. "Well," I started. "Are you coming?" He finally looked up. His green eyes met mine for a moment.
"Yeah, sure." Hesitantly, He followed me up the stairs. I figured he was going back to his room until I heard him speak again."You're really stupid sometimes. You know that?"
"Well I see the your nice phase is over." I sighed. "Okay, what do you mean?"
"Why the hell would you yell at Eric like that? I could hear you from my room!"With each word his voice got louder and angrier. I cringed at Jason's enraged tone. Thankfully, he managed to regain his composure before continuing to speak. "Why do you always have to fight back? I mean, that wasn't even your fucking fight. If you stop talking back, he wouldn't hurt you so often." There was still tension in his voice, almost an urgency. But why would he be so alarmed over something that didn't affect him? I was the one who always was punished. All he had to do was sit on the sidelines and watch. Even though his words confused me, he still had a point. I just couldn't bring myself to admit it. I didn't have to. He already knew he was right and he knew I thought so too. Every time I opened my mouth, I said something I regret. But now he wanted an explanation as to why I did it. How could I already know the circumstances of my words, then say them anyway? After a few minutes of silence, I still couldn't come up with an excuse.
"You're right." I mumbled. My gaze dropped to the floor but I could still feel Jason's stare. He was waiting for more. "I don't know why I react like that, okay? If I could stop, I would have a long time ago. He just...he gets me so mad. It's like a reflex. Unlike you, I can't just sit there and watch him torture my best friend to death. " My hands curled up in fists and my jaw clenched. Just thinking about Eric's smug grin ignited the fuming hatred that burned me alive. Not once with my real parents had I ever thought bad about people. But coming here changed me. It changed my outlook on things. Now, I've seen what evil is. Now, I wished I could kill Eric and give to him exactly what he's been giving everyone for months. Pure hell.
"Hey, cool it okay?" Jason gently placed his hand on my shoulder. It wasn't until I felt something drip on to my hand, that I realized I was crying. " It's over no
-Shma
Very nice!
I would change one thing.
""Why the hell would you yell at Eric like that? I could hear you from my room!"With each word his voice got louder and angrier. I cringed at Jason's enraged tone."
I'm not sure why he is enraged. I think you could go for something a little more caring, like how you used urgent when he spoke next.
Keep writing!
-John James
Its brilliant wonderful i love it the way you have used first person so well you have talent i can not wait to see the rest of the story but i think you need to describe the area the setting the characters more all in all though its great
-Campbell
Yeah it's pretty good. It's fluent and written in a way that you know what's going on without having to know the entire background. I like stories like that.
One suggestion, and of course you don't have to heed it, perhaps try it out in third person. First person is a popular style, but I don't feel it always hold the same power as third person can. Your story is obviously a powerful one, so you could try it out. If you don't like it, by all means, keep this version. It's good.
It would be great to see the characters fully fleshed out. I would definitely read this story once it was finished.
-smile
AWESOME! I loved it! There are just a few grammatical errors (such as commas...and you should also make sure to separate everything into different paragraphs, especially when a different person starts to speak), but I love your relaxed writing style.
My only question is where this is all leading up to.
I think that what you have written is all very exciting; however, you need to think about the overall plot in your story. What actually HAPPENS? Does Alli get so fed up with Eric that she kills him? Do her and Eric somehow start falling in love? Maybe the first couple chapters could simply be Alli's "early" stages of life at the orphanage. Later on in the book (as in, after she turns eighteen and is able to leave the orphanage), she could be some kind of detective or something...and she just happens to come across murders made by Eric.
These are all just ideas made off the top of my head, and they all probably sound completely stupid--but I think you get my point.
Good luck writing...I definitely hope that you continue!
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