Opinions on my story?Here's the basice info of what happened before this. Alli is a 17 year old foster child who lives with a few teens around her age. Eric is an abusive foster father who is also the cheif of police. Alli's best friend Dani has asthma, eric takes away her inhaler. Alli fights back to save Dani and gets punished for it. Her biggest flaw is the fact that she never thinks before she speaks and gets in trouble for it all the time. Here is the story....
Once I was finally finished, my breathing slowly returned to normal. The taste lingered and my nose was still burning but it was bearable. Suddenly, I remembered I wasn't alone. I glimpsed back to see Jason. I expected him to chuckle at my expense, or make some wiseass remark but instead he actually seemed a little anxious. His eyebrows furrowed and he watched me warily.
"You alright now?" he asked with a hint of what sounded like concern. I nodded my head and turned to face him completely.
"I'm surprised you actually care."
A small smile stretched across his face as he crossed his arms.
"I'm not completely heartless."
"Yeah, okay." I shook my head and walked away. Before I reached the stairs, I glanced behind me and noticed Jason stayed where he was. A thoughtful expression was on his face. His eyes stared blankly ahead. I stared at him for a few moments, as if I'd be able to see what he was thinking just by looking deep enough. Once, I regained my sanity, I snapped out of my daze had had to snap him out of his. "Well," I started. "Are you coming?" He finally looked up. His green eyes met mine for a moment before returning back down to the ground.
"Yeah, sure." Hesitantly, He followed me up the stairs. I figured he was going back to his room so I kept walking. Until I heard him speak again."You're really stupid sometimes. You know that?"
"Well I see the your nice phase is over." I sighed. "Okay, what do you mean?"
"Why the hell would you yell at Eric like that? I could hear you from my room!"With each word his voice got louder and angrier. I cringed at Jason's enraged tone. Thankfully, he managed to regain his composure before continuing to speak. Yet, his breathing was still shaking. As was his whole body. "Why do you always have to fight back? I mean, that wasn't even your fucking fight. If you stop talking back, he wouldn't hurt you so often." Even though he had a point I couldn't bring myself to admit it. I didn't have to. He already knew he was right and he knew I thought so too. But now he wanted an explanation. After a few minutes of silence, I still couldn't come up with one.
"I...I know." I mumbled. My gaze dropped to the floor but I could still feel Jason's stare. He was waiting for more. "I don't know why I retaliate, okay? If I could stop, I would have a long time ago. He just...he gets me so mad. It's like a reflex. I can't just sit there and watch him torture my best friend to death." My hands curled up in fists and my jaw clenched. Just thinking about Eric's smug grin ignited the fuming hatred that burned me alive. Not once with my real parents had I ever thought bad about people. But coming here changed me. It changed my outlook on things. Now, I've seen what evil is. now, I wished I could kill Eric and give to him exactly what he's been giving everyone for months. Pure hell.
"Hey, cool it okay?" Jason gently placed his hand on my shoulder. It wasn't until I felt something drip on to my hand, that I realized I was crying. " It's over now." The minute the words came out of his mouth I could see the uncertainty on his face.
"It's not." I reminded him in a low, trembling voice. "You know that."
He drew a blank and tried thinking of something to say. But, in actuality, there was nothing left to say. He had made his point, I had made mine, our conversation was over. He ran his fingers through his hair before walking off without another word. As soon as he was back in his room, I walked back to mine.
A few minutes passed after I climbed under my cool sheets and I was already drifting off until my door slammed opened. My body shot upright and I saw Eric standing in the doorway. I could see the light shades of purple under his bloodshot eyes. Either he was extremely tired, or completely wasted. Most likely both.
"You're going to be starting school soon." He stated firmly. A small smile lit my face, but I was skeptical. He was so against the idea of High School, since there were other people there I could tell. The risk of any one of us ratting him out was apparently too high. What he didn't believe was that we all knew better.
"What made you change your mind?" I asked curiously.
"You're social workers
damn curiosity."His tone of voice was obviously displeased but luckily he looked too tired to take his anger out on me. "That bitch called asking if you were all settled into your new school. I told her you were starting next week."
I looked at him without saying a word and he stepped closer, grabbing my arms tightly. "I swear, If you tell anyone anything..." He snarled.
"I know." I interrupted. "I'll pay the consequences."
He shot me one last warning glance before releasing his grip and exiting my room.
-♥☺AML: Part Writer Part Future OB/GYN
I love it! You really capture emotion in your story. That always plays a key role, especially the way you do it. You don't just bluntly state it. You show it. Which always makes a writer even more talented. Keep it up!
-Say What??
Good stuff. Some of the best writing i have seen come up here.
Needs a re write to fix the little stuff.
Keep it going.
-TXMade Mexican[Graffiti Kid]
I like it you paint a picture with you sway of emotion that always captures a readers mind and can i ask is this your first draft? B/c I'm an aspiring writer as well and i swear there's nothing better than just getting a blank sheet and typing your story for the first time.
-Raul
u need more introspection man, otherwise brilliant!
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