Advice, experimenting with FIRST person writing?This is my first draft, so don't expect greatness.. haha
I'd like honest, constructive feedback. How can I improve my 1st person?
Any other advice? Particularly concerning the dialogue.. it's not my strongest..
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Cars splashed water to the curb, and people rushed with their umbrellas and newspapers, seeking shelter from the storm.
"Help!" I screamed over and over again, but the thunder muted my attempts. Nobody could hear me.
"My friend, she's hurt!" I yelled as I reached the pavement. Puzzled and frightened expressions swarmed me as I made my way to the police station. I ran into a few people, who grunted or cursed, but I kept moving.
The police station was small, only two police cars were parked out front. I yanked the door open, running into something solid. I fell backwards into a puddle.
"Alex!" Officer Jackson said, kneeling beside me. "Sorry, honey."
"You need to help Katrina!" I said, my voice shaking.
"What did you say, dear?"
"She's hurt in the forest--her blood --she screamed," I said as my chest began to heave. This was not the time for an asthma attack, I tried to fight it.
"Are you hurt?" he asked, concerned. "Do you--"
"Why aren't you listening to me!" I attempted to yell, but my lungs refused.
"Slow down, sweetie," he said scanning the awkward glances of my unwelcome audience. "Let's get you out of the rain, then you can tell me-"
"No!" I gasped, pushing him away.
"Alexis Turner! What has gotten into you? "he asked, alarmed.
"You're not listening to me!" I shouted, ignoring the surrounding whispers. "Katrina is in trouble. There was blood-" my voice broke off as tears escaped.
"Did you just say," he started, frantic. "Are you--are you sure about this?"
"She disappeared from the path after we--" I began, and tears continued to betray me. "She-she screamed so loud."
"Come on in, honey," he whispered, steering me into the police station.
The air was much warmer inside, but cold continued to press in on me, even as the heat reached my body. I was trying to control my breathing, but the oxygen wasn't satisfying my thirst to breathe.
Two police officers in mid-conversation glanced at us.
"A young girl is lost in the woods," Officer Jackson said as they moved quickly from behind the counter to where we stood.
"Let's go," Jackson said grabbing two flash lights from a dusty shelf.
"Hurry" I choked out.
"Does she have asthma?" the woman officer asked, looking at me worried.
I hadn't noticed how obvious my fight to breathe had become.
"Please just go," I tried to say, but my throat tightened. More tears streamed from my eyes. I had never felt so helpless.
"All right. Dave will come with me," Jackson said tossing him a flashlight. "Jasmine will take care of the girl. I'm guessing you two were visiting the old Victorian house?" he asked.
I nodded, giving up the struggle to speak.
The two men hurried from the station at last.
"An inhaler," Officer Jasmine said, rushing through a door behind the counter. "You can use mine for now."
As soon as the door swung shut, pain struck in my chest so hard it knocked me to the ground. The elastic band that bound me to the woman had snapped. A silent scream escaped my lungs as my heart began to ache with sorrow. The sorrow took hold of me and wouldn't seize. I was losing grasp of my surroundings, tears and pain faltered my vision.
/The woman in the forest is gone./
/There's nothing I can do about it./
She had died.
The pulsating ache continued to strike me as someone lifted me up into their arms. I don't know how I knew, but I knew she was dead.
Distant voices seemed to have been conjured into the room, lashing from the inner walls of my conscience, but I couldn't comprehend anything. I was already gone. Darkness had overwhelmed me.
-Rocky
your better then me lol
-The Booker
wow, that was insightful deep and amazing, i wish i could wright like you
-Gracie James
That was really good! I could actually hear her yelling at the officer. It was well paced and very interesting.
As advice, I think you should cut the police officer from saying "honey" and "sweetie". It sounds like a mother toalking to a child, not a police officer talking to a kid. It may be the effect you want, but it doesn't work, at this point.
Also, maybe a tad more connotation. Don't add paragraphs of decritpion, because that would ruin your pacing. Simply change sentences or add more connotations, like:
"The air was much warmer inside, but cold continued to press in on me, even as the heat reached my body."
to
"It was heated inside, but cold still lingered around my damp body, even as fingers of heat surrounded me."
"Officer Jackson said as they moved quickly from behind the counter to where we stood."
to
"Officer Jackson said as the others rushed from behind the counter towards us."
"You need to help Katrina!" I said, my voice shaking.
to
"You need to help Katrina!" I coughed, my voice quivering.
Saying words or phrases like "moved quickly" or "my voice shaking" are too sterile and overused. Simple changes will enhance your writing.
Good luck! Feel free to email me if you want a little more advice!
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